– Urgh… I think that bastard actually got me. Boys, help me up! Hey, you walking flea-ridden deer-hides, where the hell are you all?! – The warrior lay on the ground and was trying to come round… The last thing he remembered was a peasant charging at him with a pitchfork. And then – darkness. And now, as he opened his eyes, the northerner tried calling for help. It was suspiciously quiet and dark around him. Could he have been forgotten on the battlefield? Damn it…
– Heeeeeeeeey! Where the hell are you a… – And that was when the man tried to lift his head and saw the pitchfork piercing through his stomach. There was no pain. No blood.
– Well by the gods’ bearded mothers! It looks like I’m dead. Fine, where’s my beautiful valkyrie from the skald songs, that’s gonna fly me away to the heavens?
– Hey handsome, looking for me? – A deep low contralto made the hardy warrior’s heart miss a few beats. As he stood on his feet and pulled out the cursed pitchfork from his gut (his body was both tangible and ethereal), he turned and saw a woman in armor. The woman rode atop some animal. Everything was a bit blurry in the man’s eyes, and he couldn’t quite understand what seemed so strange to him. And then he did.
– By my drakar’s beard! What are you?!
– I’m Genevieve. And I’m here for you, sweetheart. – What the warrior initially took for a woman gave him a flirting smile. The actual woman began above the belt. Very large, tightly clad in armor, with a war axe in one hand and a shield in the other. Behind her were a pair of small wings, which, in the context of the valkyrie as a whole, looked quite grotesque. Below the belt was a swine’s body, dragging its feet along. Also clad in armor. Slightly above the hooves shined a pair of bracelets with similar wings, but a bit smaller.
– But… Uhhhhh… You…. – Even though the warrior had, in effect, no lungs remaining, nor a need to breathe, he managed to lose his breath anyway. – You’re supposed to be…
The pigalkyrie’s face darkened. Even the tips of her wings drooped down somewhat. She menacingly adjusted the axe on her shoulder and approached the deceased.
– Now listen here, darling, If I don’t quite look like the culmination of your wet dreams, that is your problem. After all your recent raids there is a shortage of valkyries, so be grateful that someone was even sent for you. You and I, my buttercup, are now going to head off to the other world. Or you, my dear hole-y friend, can remain here and wander about forever between the world of the living and dead. Feel free to have a look around, by the way, for a better grasp of the situation.
The viking, still shocked, turned his gaze away from his otherworldly guide and took a good look around. There wasn’t much to look at, though. Grey earth without any clearly defined boundary turned into just as grey sky. The only spectacular feature about the landscape was the level of its dullness. It didn’t take long for the warrior to make his choice.
– Alright… eeeeh…
– Alright, Genevieve, carry me off to… wherever you need to carry me.
– Now we’re talking! Hop on. – The valkyrie spanked her swine back with a wink.
– I really hope there’ll be normal women in the heavens. – the warrior mumbled under his nose. With some effort, he finally climbed atop Genevieve’s back, who, with a swing of her disproportionate wings, set off into the gray skies.